was it a date?

let the games begin!

the question....was tonight a date or not? i know what you are thinking. you are thinking that i am totally scandalous :) to have broken up a few weeks ago and now meeting someone else. well, maybe so...maybe not so.

one of my good friends from college has been calling me every day this week. he knows H and I and has even hung out with us in the past. he wanted to hang out last weekend - that's when i told him that me and H are not together anymore and i just wanted to stay in. obviously i am having to learn again how to go out, find plans for myself, act normal around others on my own, where the "line" is, and how to cope with my weird irational emotions.

so i agreed to go assuming we are going as "friends" which is what it actually was...but still felt that strange, awkward hmmmmmmm could this be a date feeling.

he picked up the tabs on everything. we went with another couple and ate dinner, went bowling, and then for some drinks and to listen to drunken idots sing kaeroke.

even though this was not a "date" with him picking up the tabs, me being single, etc. i just didn't know how to act. i tried to be myself but at the same time confused about what my actions should be.

i obviously don't like him like that right now and i am certainly not trying to find someone else - nor should this even be the issue. i've always had a "secret" childish thing for this guy. strangely because he is not even what i am looking for. maybe just because we were such cool friends in college and always had fun talking. he is also kinda cute so that helps.

i think his intention was at least to get some suga. i need some suga. but it is just not the time for that. i am not as wild and free spirited as i used to be. i have serious cautions and barriers up right now. i think he tried to pull a suave trick tonight....

as we were all leaving he said that he forgot his cigs in my car. um...i saw him buy 2 packs he carried just one into the bar - so as the other couple walked the other way...we went the other. i had to thank him for a lovely time and for picking up the tabs and he goes in for the goodnight awkward hug. and then he went for a KISS!!! we both turned away at the very last second. and then he spoke of another outing in the near future.

AHHHHHH! i don't know how to act anymore. i think he is wonderful but i don't want to "date him, date him" just hang out primarily as friends.

maybe he just doesn't care if he is a rebound or if i like him. maybe he was just being nice because he is my friend and i have been through a hard time. plus, he is genuinly a really good guy. i could totally be over reacting - but still. this is not my first rodeo.

i do not want to seem like an 'easy' girl which i am clearly not. i get pleasure at guys having to chase and work hard for me. honest truth....i NEED some sugar :-)

i had a large time tonight, but i must say that it was awkard and i have forgotten how to carry myself in times like this. patience grasshopper....it will come.