"Hate"

H stands for the ex's name and for the word hate. no, i am not saying i hate the ex....what i am saying is i should have known better. let me take you back to the beginning....



as i sit outside my raggedy college apartment i sit by this man that i just met one week before at H (o)(o) ters over a few underaged beers. we clicked immediatly while telling jokes from across the table. he proceeds to sit by me and flirt and what not. i was not interested...at all. however, i felt it a good idea to throw a party upon my return to said raggedy apartment. it is way past bedtime and as i shuffle through some CD's i hear the words 'come here' out of the ex's mouth. i go because i know that i wanted some sugar. within mere seconds we are making out intensly...and so much that we knock a bakers rack onto the floor. "AH...the college days" as i exhale and slobber is dripping down my chin. he proceeds to fearlessly make down the bed as i sternly confirm that we shall do nothing more than make out. he agrees after a few attemps to change my mind. as we make out the tequila shots start making the room spin. a minute passes...i stop mid make out session...look him in the eye...and ask him his last name. we discuss the tattoos we have...and we are back at it.



2 weeks pass and i ignore all calls and all contact. until i run into him at the local margarita night hang out. i hear a deep voice that says "what's up 'no talk'." i giggle and start chugging my medium blue margarita. later to find myself agreeing to go out on a date with this random guy who has one of the worst reputations in the area. time passes, he falls in 'like' with me, and of course the 'conversation' comes up.



we are sitting on the steps outside the apartment...i look at his left arm which has "hate" deeply carved and scarred on his arm. this was due to his pre-teen feelings about his mom and dads divorce (when he was 3) in which he decided to hate his mother then aparently.



"do you like me?" he said. my response of "i think your funny" wasn't enough. "no, do you like me?" "I need to know" again..."i....think....your....funny!" is my answer. a few weeks pass....i had changed my mind and agreed to being his "girlfriend" the night before the fall semester begins....



i take no note at the time that he has cheated on every girlfriend he ever had.....he had promised not to ever do drugs again if i agreed to us having a relationship....he is wild and out of control and i must be the girl that will change his life and be that "special" person. i tell myself that his past psychiatrist appointments had did him well and he is a changed man. he loves me dearly and would literally do anything in this world to be with me.



now that it is over and typed onto this four sided post box i realize that at the time i did not care. i then fell for him, loved him, sacraficed for him....and it was in vein. how then, can i have only shed 6 tears for this man that i have been with for so long and wanted a future with?



the answer? i realize that i didn't care about a relationship at the time....i became confortable and hopeful just because i am at the place in my life when i was ready to move forward. unfortunatly not with him. he has 2 seperate lives. one that was with me and then one on his on time. one that he knew i would not approve of so he hid it all. and i was in denial and didn't want to know the truth.



well, truth has settled and i am over this. i have learned not to sabatoge my life and my standards just for the sheer hell of it. it will get you nowhere in life....



now he has decided to block me from his facebook and myspace so he can hide what he is doing. i know why. so when he calls and wants to hang out i will then think he is just sitting in his room crying over the loss of the 'best damn thing that could have ever happened to him." get real. i may have been/played stupid in the past but i am not. don't try to pull a sly move. of course my friend asked if i had seen his facebook profile and i hadn't since he had me blocked. he has aparently found a scandal and she has posted a few pics of them up on his site. is she cute you ask? if you think that being cross-eyed with large, long pointy teeth is cute. and i am not saying this out of jealousy...i am saying this out of the honest truth.

it's ok....i went out with some of my girlfriends in montevallo. we meet up with her ex (who is one of the ex's best friends). he didn't know we broke up...and he called the ex and said "oh my gosh...your girlfriend is out at the bars where are you????" to his surprise the ex told him we aren't together anymore :)

so i had a blast, met a hot guy, and we made out :) so now that always makes things better. sound like the above story could start over.....lol..... i don't think so.......